Tag Archive | church

Sending the Right Message

Nov17

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Jay and I want success for our upcoming marriage!

We appreciate all of the tools and attitude adjustments possible to help us make our adventure together into matrimony one that is joyous throughout our lifetime. We each want to do our part to be accountable for what we create. We also want to avoid pitfalls and mistakes of the past.

So last weekend we especially enjoyed attending a workshop, “Sending the Right Message,” (STRM) by John Canaan. We’ve been to a lot of workshops before, individually and as a couple, and this was my first time at this workshop, while a re-take for Jay. He hadn’t told me too much about it, except that it had opened his heart.

We really appreciated what we experienced there and came away feeling empowered and inspired. What struck me most deeply was that my life is really my choice. While I don’t always choose what happens around me, I DO choose my reactions to it. This includes my thoughts and feelings, actions, and how long I hold on to or cycle these.

All of us make mistakes, so we need a way to unburden ourselves from the guilt. We can’t always make restitution for our errors, either. This class is Christ-centered, explaining that Jesus Christ came to earth exactly for the purpose of redeeming us from our sins and paying them for us through His suffering, knowing we couldn’t make amends for everything. [If you are not a Christian, you may turn to your own beliefs and Higher Power to assist you with this concept of relief from guilt.] Christ not only paid for our own sins, but also for those of the people who hurt and betray us. When we hold grudges against them or retaliate, we hurt ourselves more and cause Christ more suffering. By forgiving them, it doesn’t mean that what they did was not wrong, but rather that we leave judgment to God and allow that person their own experience. We also release ourselves from the poison acid of resentment that hurts us more than it affects them. 12893946-closeup-of-a-representation-of-the-jesus-christ-crown-of-thorns-cross-and-nail

Jay and I are NOT perfect people! We have each seen the other get ‘triggered’ (overwhelmed by negative emotions) in various settings. Sometimes it has been by what the other has done, sometimes by others around us. It is important that we have a way to deal with these upsets as they arise, and not allow them to damage our relationship. By accepting Christ’s Atonement, we forgive ourselves for being human with fears and insecurities that trigger us in reminder situations, and we also forgive others when they act as less than their best selves.

I actually got upset during the workshop with reminder symptoms from prior bad relationship experiences. Jay let me cry on his shoulder, and John Canaan had me write about my feelings and thoughts, asking me to record on paper what the situation reminded me of and to describe my feelings and thoughts about that, then what those reminded me of, and so forth. By doing this, I traced it back to childhood hurts and feeling betrayed and abandoned by loved ones then and later.

John said that we are all very good at sending messages! People get exactly what we mean! The problem is that this message is not necessarily very nice. Because our hearts are filled with negative emotions like fear, mistrust, or resentment, we tend to send defensive or offensive messages. The RIGHT message is LOVE. Only when our hearts are filled with LOVE will we send the RIGHT message.

I learned invaluable ways to fill my heart with LOVE, the simplest of which is to BE STILL and connect with God until I feel whole and complete. Then to SERVE. We LOVE those we SERVE.

This is definitely something Jay and I can use to improve our marriage!

John has a wonderful program, and taught us nine Agreements to make with ourselves in order to be accountable for what we create with our own life. I create my world!

Jay and I signed up for the Mastery 10-week program, which gives one week for each of the Agreements with daily support and a class each week. This will be a retake for Jay, and I want to take it with him. It will be interesting to see how my perspective evolves as by then we will be newlyweds of two-and-a-half months.

I am so excited to be on this grand adventure of life and of marriage with Jay. I feel very humble and blessed to have him as my companion, because he dotes on me! Wow! We hope that with these tools we can keep our love as fresh and vibrant as it is now. We cherish our time together. I look forward of sending Jay a lifetime of the RIGHT messages: “I LOVE you!” and “I love SERVING you!” His happiness is my happiness. I delight in ways to bring him greater joy.

He always seems a step ahead of me in serving each other, so it is a fun game we play together. “I win!” when Jay feels loved! And vice versa. Actually, we both win. We win because we both feel loved and supported. This in turn helps all others we interact with to win: our children, my parents (Jay’s are deceased), our grandchildren, our friends and neighbors, even the people we meet on the street or while shopping. Because when we are connected to each other and to God, our hearts are filled with LOVE and we are sending the RIGHT message to each other and to everyone: L-O-V-E.forever-love-holding-shape-together-mean-loving-each-other-36033051

 

The Third Time’s the Charm

Nov10

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Which would you rather believe: “The third time’s the charm” or “Three strikes and you’re out”? I prefer to focus on possibilities of success, rather than failure. Still, it can be daunting to accept two failed marriages and then be willing to take on a third, hoping for better results. After all, the definition of insanity is said to be doing the same thing and expecting different results. Something better be different if I want things to be better!

My fiance, Jay, pursued me for fourteen months before I took his intentions seriously. He is a very persistent man! He knew what he wanted and prayed about it, and felt he should continue to date me even when I wasn’t very encouraging. With my track record, I was leery of permanent commitment to him. He reminded me so much of my first husband in looks and mannerisms–the man I thought my first husband was, that is, but turned out not to be. I’d been fooled before, and wasn’t eager to jump back into the fire.

But with loving patience, kindness, and understanding, Jay helped me to realize at last that he really is who he appears to be. He is authentic: sincere, delightfully flawed like I am, and very inspired and spiritual. We are yin and yang for each other, completing each other in our own unique way. This is a second marriage for him, and he also learned much from previous mistakes.

One of my pet peeves is hearing people talk as if divorced people can’t possibly understand relationships nor should they try teaching others about relationships. Really? One can’t learn from their mistakes and have anything valuable to share? My belief is that my mess is my message. “I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work,” said Thomas Alva Edison, inventor of the light bulb. Like Mr. Edison, my failures were just ways that didn’t work, and now I can try better ways.

Better ways come through better knowledge and application of that knowledge. I have a partner who is aware, accountable and respectful. Armed with hundreds of hours of personal development seminars and mentoring, including relationship workshops, we make a great team! He is the man I consider my best friend in the world! We are each ready to embark this second/third time into the waters of marriage together, and stay afloat.

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Another misconception I had when young was that people could only truly love when they were young and good-looking. Perhaps I got this from the silly Harlequin Romances I used to read as a teenager. I didn’t realize that age really doesn’t matter, if the couple has their health and faculties–perhaps even if they don’t. I didn’t think older people had passion! I didn’t realize that, even as a grandmother and grandfather, we could relive the same passions we felt as teenagers! Jay makes me feel like I’m sixteen years old again! Our love is as vibrant, young and fresh as if this was our first love, which in many ways, it is.

Our top aspiration is to have an eternal partnership, for we believe that a man and a woman can be sealed together forever. We want our relationship to last not only for time, but for eternity. Our goal is an eternal family unit. Our dreams of a loving, equal partnership are coming true!

We are each aware of the baggage we carry, and have coping tools to deal effectively with what comes up. We’ve already been practicing helping each other work through things when one of us gets triggered emotionally, and this is the man I choose to keep by my side always. He truly is my best friend. With him, I feel calm and confident. He brings balance to my life, for in my quest for independence I sometimes focused too much on material mental goals and not enough on the emotional heart of connecting. I can be my authentic self with Jay. He finds me beautiful no matter how much I dress up or down. We each seek each other’s well being, We belong to the same church and have the same spiritual beliefs, and invite God to be part of our relationship. The contribution of husband, wife, and God will suffice, “for with God all things are possible” (see Mark 10:27). Christ’s Atonement is sufficient. Through Him we are a new man, and a new woman. We are humbled by past failures, but hopeful through faith in Christ.

It took those other times of failure to bring us to this place of finding each other, to appreciate what we have together! Our love feels like a cathedral with stained glass windows of beauty, richness and history. It is sacred to both of us. We cherish this opportunity to love and be loved. To be in a loving, respectful relationship, where we honor each other as a noble son and daughter of God.

We now go forth together, soon to be joined as husband and wife, man and woman, equally yoked and ready for the path the Lord lays before us that we choose. For we truly believe that this time is the charm.

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The Importance of Continual Learning

Sep26

NOTE: This is the first of a four-part series answering a question posed to me by a friend. He and I are both members of The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints (LDS), so answers come from scriptures and other LDS sources as noted or linked. Scriptures can be found on lds.org. Further information on LDS beliefs including the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be found on Mormon.org. Today’s introduction introduces segments on Continual Learning, Personal Development, and Healing to be posted next week.

no_49_across_the_universe_by_derekdavalos-d5wcn4dThroughout life, I seek better ways to deal with things, people, and health. A couple years ago I joined a business that encouraged ongoing personal development. Recently, a worried friend wrote this to me:

“I have also been concerned about all the self healing classes and seminars you are going through. I have been personally trying to figure out why anyone needs all that if they are truly centered in the gospel and truly know and have a testimony of the atonement?”

Dear Friend,

I greatly appreciate your concern for me! I see your example and all you overcame through your acceptance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ in your behalf! Your life is transformed through Him!

I reassure you that anything I learn, or hope to learn, is through the filter of His life and love. He is the pivotal focus of my life. Anything I do to better myself or my life is consecrated to Him and His purposes for me.

Part of my testimony is that He continues to give light and life to the world. He gives revelation to His prophets. He inspires people to help their fellowmen. As Proverbs 29:18 states, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”

In Alma 24:14, we read: “And the great God has had mercy on us, and made these things known unto us that we might not perish; yea, and he has made these things known unto us beforehand, because he loveth our souls as well as he loveth our children; therefore, in his mercy he doth visit us by his angels, that the plan of salvation might be made known unto us as well as unto future generations.”

God reveals truth to us, giving light and hope. He asks us to study and seek out learning.Latter-day_Saint_Scripture_Quadruple_Combination

Jesus in John 5:39 tells us to study the scriptures: “Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me.”

Further, the Lord in modern revelation asks us to study other good books and subjects, not necessarily from the scriptures. “Teach ye diligently and my grace shall attend you, that you may be instructed more perfectly in theory, in principle, in doctrine, in the law of the gospel, in all things that pertain unto the kingdom of God, that are expedient for you to understand;

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“Of things both in heaven and in the earth, and under the earth; things which have been, things which are, things which must shortly come to pass; things which are at home, things which are abroad; the wars and the perplexities of the nations, and the judgments which are on the land; and a knowledge also of countries and of kingdoms—

“That ye may be prepared in all things when I shall send you again to magnify the calling whereunto I have called you, and the mission with which I have commissioned you” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:78-80).

Friend, the scriptures witness that everything we can learn helps us to fulfill our mortal missions and serve God more capably, if we choose to serve Him.

Volunteer!

Aug14

Are you looking for a way to fit in, to feel needed, to make a difference? VOLUNTEER!

One of the fastest ways to find like-minded friends is to join a cause you feel strongly about. Use your talents to make the world a better place, and find self respect and self esteem.

Look around your neighborhood. Are there shut-ins or elderly who would appreciate a visit or call? Helping them with errands may be greatly appreciated. Perhaps a young mother could use some help with her children, or a family with one parent some assistance in the yard.

Do you attend a church? I belong to a lay church where I’ve served in a variety of volunteer positions in music, teaching children and cub scouts, and serving the youth. Perhaps you know of some church members needing assistance. Ask the leaders in charge if they know of some service opportunities.

There may be needy people in your area that could use a hand. One fun thing to do is to leave a needed but anonymous gift! I especially enjoy doing this at Christmastime, but any time can be rewarding when you know that what you give is needed and appreciated.  Even a plate of cookies with a friendly note to a neighbor helps build a sense of community.

Do you have strong political opinions? Volunteers are in demand to make phone calls, put up flyers and signs, and offer assistance. I served as precinct chair and vice-chair, as a county delegate, and in helping specific candidates.

Hospitals love volunteers. I worked as a Candy Striper as a youth, filling water containers and bringing ice to patients in their rooms. They often wanted company more than ice water.

Crisis centers need people to answer phones and take calls. I worked as a volunteer in a crisis center in college.

Soup kitchens and homeless shelters welcome volunteers. Women’s shelters invite assistance in gathering clothing, food, and supplies for infants, women and children of all ages.

The American Red Cross seeks volunteers.   

Name indexing of public records helps people connect world-wide in finding their ancestors. I’ve indexed names from Germany, Mexico, and the United States, from ancient parish and city records, census records, and immigration records. Even shut-ins can make an important contribution doing this.

Retirement centers and nursing homes welcome visitors. For four years my singing group of bell ringers visited the sick and elderly all year long, performing beautiful music to brighten their world. My grandfather and other home residents now enjoy weekly visits from those with service dogs.

There are many ways to volunteer. What interests you? Do you want to help people locally or abroad? What talents or skills might you enjoy sharing to bless the lives of others?

One way to heal from past trauma or abuse is to help others. Serving those who have gone through similar trials can help us overcome anxieties. If you would like personalized assistance in finding ways to volunteer, please contact me.