Tag Archive | insecurities

Sending the Right Message

Nov17

DSC_0538

Jay and I want success for our upcoming marriage!

We appreciate all of the tools and attitude adjustments possible to help us make our adventure together into matrimony one that is joyous throughout our lifetime. We each want to do our part to be accountable for what we create. We also want to avoid pitfalls and mistakes of the past.

So last weekend we especially enjoyed attending a workshop, “Sending the Right Message,” (STRM) by John Canaan. We’ve been to a lot of workshops before, individually and as a couple, and this was my first time at this workshop, while a re-take for Jay. He hadn’t told me too much about it, except that it had opened his heart.

We really appreciated what we experienced there and came away feeling empowered and inspired. What struck me most deeply was that my life is really my choice. While I don’t always choose what happens around me, I DO choose my reactions to it. This includes my thoughts and feelings, actions, and how long I hold on to or cycle these.

All of us make mistakes, so we need a way to unburden ourselves from the guilt. We can’t always make restitution for our errors, either. This class is Christ-centered, explaining that Jesus Christ came to earth exactly for the purpose of redeeming us from our sins and paying them for us through His suffering, knowing we couldn’t make amends for everything. [If you are not a Christian, you may turn to your own beliefs and Higher Power to assist you with this concept of relief from guilt.] Christ not only paid for our own sins, but also for those of the people who hurt and betray us. When we hold grudges against them or retaliate, we hurt ourselves more and cause Christ more suffering. By forgiving them, it doesn’t mean that what they did was not wrong, but rather that we leave judgment to God and allow that person their own experience. We also release ourselves from the poison acid of resentment that hurts us more than it affects them. 12893946-closeup-of-a-representation-of-the-jesus-christ-crown-of-thorns-cross-and-nail

Jay and I are NOT perfect people! We have each seen the other get ‘triggered’ (overwhelmed by negative emotions) in various settings. Sometimes it has been by what the other has done, sometimes by others around us. It is important that we have a way to deal with these upsets as they arise, and not allow them to damage our relationship. By accepting Christ’s Atonement, we forgive ourselves for being human with fears and insecurities that trigger us in reminder situations, and we also forgive others when they act as less than their best selves.

I actually got upset during the workshop with reminder symptoms from prior bad relationship experiences. Jay let me cry on his shoulder, and John Canaan had me write about my feelings and thoughts, asking me to record on paper what the situation reminded me of and to describe my feelings and thoughts about that, then what those reminded me of, and so forth. By doing this, I traced it back to childhood hurts and feeling betrayed and abandoned by loved ones then and later.

John said that we are all very good at sending messages! People get exactly what we mean! The problem is that this message is not necessarily very nice. Because our hearts are filled with negative emotions like fear, mistrust, or resentment, we tend to send defensive or offensive messages. The RIGHT message is LOVE. Only when our hearts are filled with LOVE will we send the RIGHT message.

I learned invaluable ways to fill my heart with LOVE, the simplest of which is to BE STILL and connect with God until I feel whole and complete. Then to SERVE. We LOVE those we SERVE.

This is definitely something Jay and I can use to improve our marriage!

John has a wonderful program, and taught us nine Agreements to make with ourselves in order to be accountable for what we create with our own life. I create my world!

Jay and I signed up for the Mastery 10-week program, which gives one week for each of the Agreements with daily support and a class each week. This will be a retake for Jay, and I want to take it with him. It will be interesting to see how my perspective evolves as by then we will be newlyweds of two-and-a-half months.

I am so excited to be on this grand adventure of life and of marriage with Jay. I feel very humble and blessed to have him as my companion, because he dotes on me! Wow! We hope that with these tools we can keep our love as fresh and vibrant as it is now. We cherish our time together. I look forward of sending Jay a lifetime of the RIGHT messages: “I LOVE you!” and “I love SERVING you!” His happiness is my happiness. I delight in ways to bring him greater joy.

He always seems a step ahead of me in serving each other, so it is a fun game we play together. “I win!” when Jay feels loved! And vice versa. Actually, we both win. We win because we both feel loved and supported. This in turn helps all others we interact with to win: our children, my parents (Jay’s are deceased), our grandchildren, our friends and neighbors, even the people we meet on the street or while shopping. Because when we are connected to each other and to God, our hearts are filled with LOVE and we are sending the RIGHT message to each other and to everyone: L-O-V-E.forever-love-holding-shape-together-mean-loving-each-other-36033051

 

How do you undo verbal child abuse?

Aug1

Do you feel anxious or depressed? Were you verbally abused as a child? Do negative labels or false ideas about yourself or your abilities limit you? How do you undo verbal child abuse?

Long after a person says cruel, untrue things, the effects can live on in our minds. Unless we take positive steps to change our thoughts!

For example, my father in his frustration when I was a child said hurtful things that I found lingered on as false beliefs when an adult, creating holes in my self-confidence. I worried others  would find out about the REAL me (actually false, projected by my father’s paranoid delusional fears). He told me to look him in his eyes–as if he could see my true soul–then accused me of being evil. For years I didn’t want to look ANYONE in the eyes, fearful they would see what my father saw!

As an adult, I realized logically that my father projected his own fears and insecurities, but emotionally I still felt worthless. It seemed nothing I did countered this, whether getting straight A’s, college scholarships, or trying to be a good wife and mother. I inwardly worried that what my dad saw when he looked in my eyes was true.

It was difficult to be a good wife or mother while I carried negative inner fears and self-labels. I selected husbands (married twice) who fed upon my insecurities. Marital drama got in the way of my being the kind of mother or providing the kind of home for my children that I wanted. I went through the motions of being a stay-at-home mother and even homeschooling, but the unrest affected my children. I didn’t pass on the same type of abuse, but the anger and despair they witnessed in me did a lot of damage. I was not as emotionally available to them, caught up in inner turmoil.

One thing that helped change my self-view was joining a self-help group for nervous or anxious people. Dr. Abraham Low   taught nervous persons to become self-sufficient, warding off panic or anxiety by changing their thoughts. Attending those meetings taught me better thinking habits. I learned to identify and gradually change false ideas about myself. I learned to stop responding as a victim– to monitor and refocus thoughts before they got out of control.

I studied Family Life, where I learned model ways of family interaction and parenting. I read helpful books, and saw professional therapists who helped me further unravel false patterns.

What can YOU do to move forward and change old patterns and beliefs that disrupt your life? Excellent therapists can assist.  Books and classes may help.   I am not a therapist, but if you would like empathic guidance please contact me for your free 30-minute phone interview to see if you are ready for greater light. Are you ready to change your thoughts and let go of the past to find your inner truth? A better life awaits!